Read & Feedback as I write: Imperception – Chapter 3 & 4

Chapter 3: Dee

Dee had mentally prepared herself for this moment every day for three years.  Finally, the train was pulling in – this was the moment; the last possible moment she could change her mind.  She hesitated momentarily, her eye drawn to a teal ball gaudily adorned with a mermaid.  The ball was rolling unsteadily across platform four and a young girl was chasing it.  The ball was headed straight for the tracks, and so, Dee thought, was the child.  This was a child she had seen every day for months.  She arrived each day with a woman Dee assumed to be her mother – the yummy Mummy type with perfectly coordinating shoes and bag.  Dee realised with horror that the child would surely fall into the path of the train in her dogged pursuit of the ball.  Any hesitation she had felt a moment ago passed and she launched herself towards the train and the brown curls she had observed so often. 

As she leapt towards the child, just one thought crossed her mind:  “Not again”.  

Not again.  

She tackled the child to the floor, causing a commotion all around.   The ball bounced redundantly down onto the tracks and was crushed, almost immediately, under the wheels of the 17:35 to Teddington, observed by its surprised driver, but unseen by the passengers lining platform four whose collective attention had been drawn to the young girl and the smart businesswoman now lying prone on the platform, limbs entangled, clothes dishevelled, their combined tears forming a small puddle on the platform’s edge. 

Chapter 4: Isla

As it dawned on her what was happening, Isla let out a strangled scream.  Her eyes followed the path of her daughter’s ball whose existence was instantly obliterated by the heaving train – a fate that could surely have been her daughter’s too, she realised with a sickening judder, if only Miss Solicitor had not tackled her to the platform floor.  Isla realised she was still screaming as she fell, sobbing, to the ground to hold her daughter.  She prised her surprised and tearful daughter from Miss Solicitor and sat, rocking her as commuters swooped in, offering tissues and sympathy.  Most people were filing onto the now stationary train and taking their usual seats, but the few who remained chatted excitedly about how Miss Solicitor had surely saved Milly’s life, and how very close a call it was.  There was an electric buzz to their words – so glad were they of an interruption to their mundane commute.  

Miss Solicitor was visibly gathering her thoughts and made moves to dust herself down, accepting the offer of a hand to her feet from a fellow passenger.  Isla realised she must thank the woman.  That the moment was passing and that despite her own shaking and snot and tears, she must find the appropriate words to thank someone she had seen many times but never spoken to, for saving her daughter’s life – for she was sure that was what the woman had done; just as she was sure that she would replay this moment, and it’s alternate ending, in her nightmares for the rest of her life.  

“Thank you” she said simply.  Fearing her voice might break under the weight of more words.  Others were looking on.  She felt judged; she knew that she should say more.  She realised that the occasion called for deep words of meaning and purpose.  But Isla could only state the facts.  “Without your help, my daughter might have.. died…” She could barely bring herself to say the words.  “I really am incredibly grateful.”  

“It’s okay” whispered Miss Solicitor, making efforts to smooth once pristine outfit.  I hope I didn’t hurt her as we fell.  I was just so worried…” neither woman felt a need to say more.  Their eyes locked and a thousand words were exchanged, woman to woman, as each watched the other imagine what might have been.  Isla accepted one of many hands that was offered and found herself helped to her feet by a woman in a teal coat with long corn rowed hair.  The woman uttered “That was lucky” before proceeding to help Milly to her feet also and turning to board the train.  

Of course, life had continued around them and in the short time that had passed as Isla and Dee exchanged words about the incident, the commuters had all filed onto the train.  The excitement had passed for them in mere moments.  The station master readied his whistle between his lips looking meaningfully at Dee, Isla and Milly who were the last passengers to board the packed vestibule of the 17:35 to Teddington that day.  The doors swooshed shut whilst passengers held their breath to make space and took care to hold scarves and bags clear of the doors.  The station master gave a singular blast on his whistle, and the train let out a series of electronic beeps, as if wishing him goodbye before continuing on its journey; all passengers safely  on board today.  

As the train pulled away from the station, scraps of Milly’s Mermaid ball were visible to anyone who knew what they were looking for as they peered down onto the tracks.  But within a day or two, even these traces of the accident-that-wasn’t would be gone for ever; dirtied or carried away as life marched relentlessly on.  

A few silent tears traced their way down Isla’s cheeks as she stood shaking on the train.  She wiped them away with the back of her hand, took a deep breath and found the words she needed to reassure her daughter.  “Are you okay sweetie?” she asked.  Milly looked up at her with big brown eyes.  Isla was certain she was about to say something either deeply profound, or utterly disturbing.  

“Can we still get hot chocolate?” Milly asked, her face clearly communicating the seriousness of her request.  

“Yes of course!” laughed Isla, amazed, as ever, by her daughter’s ability to live in a world of swimming in danger and yet see none of it.  “I think we should get extra cream on top today and make sure we have plenty of marshmallows too, what do you think?” 

Milly nodded her head excitedly as the train pulled into Queenstown Road – Miss Solicitor’s stop.  Isla nodded to Miss Solicitor as she exited the train, mouthing the word ‘Thank you’ though she wasn’t sure it didn’t get lost in the busy movement of people passing onto and off of the train.  The moment has passed.  They were fine.  Just fine. 

— 

[View all chapters shared so far here]

Thank you for feeding back each day. I’m building in your edits and suggestions to the version held on my local machine so the initial raw version will remain here. When I’ve got questions, I’m going to ask them each day – don’t feel obliged to answer them, but if you’re happy to they’ll help me as I try to craft the story. If you have questions or observations I’d be keen to hear them too.

Questions:

1. Is the scene with Dee, Milly and the ball explained enough or should it be longer / more explanatory?
2. Does that scene feel realistic? Does it feel possible that Dee actually saved Milly’s life or does it seem overblown?
3. Is the response from the rest of the commuters / crowd realistic?
4. Does Isla’s response feel right? Does she say too much / too little?