Intruder in my own life

An observer in my own life,
I no longer know how
To fit in;
How to move from the fringes
Of conversation
And family life.
How to laugh
Rather than observe laughing.
How to play,
Rather than watch others play.
How to immerse myself in love,
Rather than watching on
Heart-aching.
Observer,
Intruder,
In my own life,
I feel that here is not where I belong,
Not what I deserve.
And I don’t know how,
But, for that life, how I long.

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This entry was posted in depression, Family, Friendship, Mental Health, Parent-Child, Recovery, Relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Intruder in my own life

  1. Sue Gifford says:

    Again you are my voice! Thank you -and I hope you soon feel that you are part of your life soon. X

    Liked by 1 person

  2. jmarx1 says:

    Beautiful. Beautiful beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Pooky, I have observed that of late life has not been a bed of roses for you. Well maybe it has but the thorns seem to be taking their toll. Take care my friend and look after you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • PookyH says:

      Thank you Michael – it has not been the easiest time but I have hope now, where not long ago I had none. In many ways though, the road to recovery is a lot harder than being ill. I sit somewhere between ill and well right now and trying to make inroads back into a life that once came far more easily is difficult, but hard and terrifying to articulate.

      This poem was inspired by watching my husband and children playing in the sunshine. They were all laughing and running around. An absolute picture of domestic bliss. I was struck by how very lucky I was. I wanted to join in – and they’d have welcomed me, but I didn’t feel like I deserved that joy and even if I could convince myself of that, I didn’t know how to feel it and join in. So what should have been a beautiful and happy moment to cherish became the trigger for a dark spiral. Thankfully, I’m getting better at managing those (with a lot of help from my therapist).

      Way too much information. Anyway – thank you for caring and thank you for being there throughout. Happier times will come I hope, and at some point I will be less insular. With love to you and yours. I think of you every time I write a poem or read yours – sorry that that is not reflected in me talking to you. xxx

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thank you Pooky. I think recognising those triggers is a starting point for recovery and I understand the road back is very rough as I see yours is……you are most fortunate in having the family around you that you have they are I am sure your rock.
        I feel a little like you in that I read your poems but don’t always comment as I find it hard somedays to find the words to connect with you.
        But please read my stuff, I’ve written a poem today based around a beautiful friend I have who deals with her own brand of demons….for me hope is all important..I’ve become aware of it as a linchpin for so many I know struggle with their own kind of mental health issues….its certainly something I hang on to every day…..take care Pooky, my thoughts are with you…((hugs))

        Liked by 1 person

      • PookyH says:

        Thank you – keep writing. I’ll keep reading. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. jfb57 says:

    For the past couple of months, I have felt just like this. I have continued to do the things I have to do but much of the time have felt as an onlooker from the sidelines. This has made me angry & anxious because I want to know how that situation came about. More importantly, I want to know when ‘normality’ will return.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. wbdeejay says:

    Truly a conundrum, that also has me realising the truth of it, in part, for myself. So succinctly put, your observation of self must hopefully become as powerful for lifting yourself as for pushing down. You are always in my thoughts with love.

    Liked by 1 person

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