Words best left unspoken?

The thing is
That you ask me questions
I’m too scared to ask myself.
You make me revisit times
That lay hidden,
With good reason.
You take the bits that hurt
And you prod them,
And poke them,
Until the hurt makes me cry.
And I find myself wondering
Why?
Why would I choose to be here?
Why subject myself to this pain,
This torture,
When I know that if I hide I’ll feel okay.
Hiding behind a pile of books
And a to do list so long
That it leaves no time
To think,
To remember,
To feel.
You say that it’s unsustainable.
You say that it’s possible to feel differently
You say that there’s a future
Where I do not hate myself.
I want to believe you,
I really do.
But I’m not sure I can;
You have no magic wand
Only words
And ears,
Listening whilst I try to speak of times
I’d rather leave unspoken.
Perhaps
I deserve to stay broken.

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This entry was posted in Emotions, Mental Health, Recovery and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Words best left unspoken?

  1. jfb57 says:

    No-one deserves to stay broken. No-one should have had to become broken. Mending is hard. Glue can take a long time to dry and weld things together so that things are strong and resilient. We have the time to wait xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m at the point where I don’t hate myself, but I hate what was done to me. I thought I didn’t need to deal with it yet – the prodding and poking certainly hurt. Yesterday drove home the fact that my past hasn’t been dealt with. I thought I’d get away with it, it could wait… but I’m now wondering if the risk of being triggered before this birth happens is greater than the pain that dealing with it would cause. The fallout from yesterday is still causing problems today. Part of me hopes it’s still causing problems when I see the joint antenatal/mental health team in a fortnight, then they can see just what damage is caused by an unhelpful attitude….

    Like

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