Scared

I am scared.
All the time.
With every breath,
And every step,
Fear accompanies me.

I am scared of the past.
I am scared of the future.
Most of all I am scared of now.

I am afraid of ending it all.
I am afraid of not ending it all.
I fear being a burden in life.
I fear being a burden in death.

Choices and decisions petrify me.
I fear the misdirection of others.
I don’t trust my own choices.
The choices of others terrify me.

Fear accompanies me.
Constantly
And I can see no other way.
….and that scares me most of all.

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This entry was posted in depression, Eating Disorders, Mental Health, Recovery, self-harm and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Scared

  1. jfb57 says:

    Have you ever broken a bone in your body and needed a cast? When it is healing it irritates, hurts, is a pain to live with. Fear is you being tested and for me it means you are making progress. You have your distraction list with what those who want to help you can do. Reach out so that you are occupied, distracted so that fear has less space to exist but see it as improvement. Well done for sharing. xx

    Liked by 3 people

    • PookyH says:

      I hadn’t thought about it like that Julia – that’s helpful. The difficulty is because I am eating my brain has enough power to move away from ‘numb’ which feels so much safer.

      Like

  2. mandy says:

    I understand being afraid. Of everything. Reaching out led me to find out I wasn’t alone. That was my first step in believing it could be different. Writing it and sharing it is a great way to work through the fear. 🌷

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have felt like this. It’s crippling. I had trouble breathing just reading it. Took me right back. Yoga helped me. Does that sound weird? It gave me a quiet place to stretch, long, breathe and focus. And along the way, I grieved in small ways, in safe moments. And the fear lifted with the grief. I offer hugs on your journey.

    Like

    • PookyH says:

      I’m sorry that this resonates with you. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

      It’s hard at the moment as I try to let go of anorexic and self-harming behaviours it gives me less ability to control fear and anxiety and I find my days are panic filled and panic fuelled and each week I am less able to manage easy tasks. I hope that as I begin to learn ways to manage those feelings, things will easy but it’s pretty hard right now.

      Like

      • Letting go of behaviors you’ve used to manage is extremely hard. I hope they find a way to help you deal with the intensity of the panic and fear. Those are created by the brain overreacting. Like too much stomach acid is created by an imbalance in the stomach. Once you are brave enough to ask for help, I think you’ll find it. So many good people out there have expertise in helping with just these issues. I see my son struggle with anxiety, and I remember well struggling with it when I was a kid. The feelings felt so huge, universe-sized. My brain always supplied a reason for why I was worried. Once they lifted away, it was like I had been buried alive in them, and then I was disinterred. Then I realized that those feelings had never been justified. They were out of proportion. It’s just a chemical process gone haywire, like any other problem the body can have. You have been incredibly strong to be bearing these feelings for so long on your own. XOXO

        Liked by 1 person

      • PookyH says:

        thank you – it is strange, I can intellectualise it inbetween but feel it very intensely at the time. There is hope, I now have the most wonderful psychologist. It won’t be instant but I have hope.

        Like

      • Hope is essential. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. This is a powerful poem and universal too. Take care and be gentle with yourself. x

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m pleased they help. That was the aim of the books. Take care xx

    Liked by 1 person

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