The Day [Sonnet]

Translucent tears told tales opaque and old,
Of lives half-lived, half hidden – always scared.
The scars of stories, harsh and aged and cold
Ran deep beneath the skin of souls, lives shared.

To run was something each one could have done;
And yet, they paused transfixed throughout the years,
The pain distorting lives, forbidding fun;
Their lives, entangled, weaved with growing fears.

Not one had planned for life to be this way.;
If each could change the course of blood and sweat;
In heartbeats they’d have done so. Yes? And yet…
They pliéd, each united by that day:

A day that each forever wished undone.
A day that saw the many cast as one.

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On Hiding 

You can only fall so far
Fall so far before you hit
Before you hit the ground
The ground rides up to meet you.

You can only run so far
Run so far before the past
Before the past runs hard
Runs hard and sprints to meet you.

You can only hide so long
Hide so long before you’re found
Before you’re found by those
By those who want to meet you.

Stand fast,
Don’t fall
Don’t run
Don’t hide
But let the past thoughts greet you.

And greet them open eyed
Don’t fall
Don’t run
Don’t hide
Or else those thoughts will surely eat you.

Posted in Abuse, depression, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Recovery, Trauma / PTSD | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Lyrics for a song

Lyrics for a song

You were the only one who knew the meaning of the words I left unsaid.

The words that buzzed and burned and battled always raging in my head

They were always there unspoken
And you read between the lines

You saw the part of me I hid, now I can only hope your heart will stay mine

Because the words I never say stay hiding,
Never spoken, no confiding
Because you’ll hate me, that’s my fear.
That you’ll run away, you won’t stay near
Disgusted, feeling only hate for me
Seeing me the way I see me
And so you’ll run
Things have just begun…

You read me like no other tried to, taking time to understand and listen

With open heart and ears you hear me, and as you hear your quiet eyes glisten

And this look I see in you is one I find too hard to understand

I try to run, to hide, I’m terrified but you find me, take me by the shaking hand

‘Til now the words I never say stay hiding,
Never spoken, no confiding
Because you’ll hate me, that’s my fear.
That you’ll run away, you won’t stay near
Disgusted, feeling only hate for me
Seeing me the way I see me
And so you’ll run
Things have just begun…

You hold me, guide me, try to help me to unhide though I’m shaking

Some of us are made for helping maybe, but then some of us are made for breaking

You are a fixer, want to recoil my broken springs and make me mend

But maybe I’m not fixable – maybe the smiles I share, so rare whilst broken are pretend

It’s why the words I never say stay hiding,
Never spoken, no confiding
Because you’ll hate me, that’s my fear.
That you’ll run away, you won’t stay near
Disgusted, feeling only hate for me
Seeing me the way I see me
And so you’ll run
Things have just begun…

I never spoke and yet the words unsaid were words you heard most loud

The world grew muffled for you as you were swaddled, deafened by my sound

Those unsaid words were hard for you, difficult to hear

And yet so far I’m wrong, you have not run, you have ’til now stayed near

Although the words I never say stay hiding,
Never spoken, no confiding
Because you’ll hate me, that’s my fear.
That you’ll run away, you won’t stay near
Disgusted, feeling only hate for me
Seeing me the way I see me
But you don’t run
Things have just begun…

Just begun

You didn’t run

Posted in Life Lessons, Song lyrics, To my husband | Tagged | 2 Comments

The Stranger

On the edges looking in
On a life that had been hers,
But she’d divvied out to others
Whilst she wept.

She delegated well
To those up to the challenge,
And her life continued on
Whilst she slept.

Now a stranger to her life,
Looking in, at the others
She realised not one part
Had she kept.

And she wondered how she’d now
Resume being part of a life
That she’d handed out,
And to the plate folk stepped?

So she cried (not a little)
And she felt lost and lonely;
But she knew she would
Forever be in debt.

For the folk playing mother
To her life in the hard times,
Were wonderful
And not at all inept.

She was wrong in her thinking
She was no longer needed,
They were simply keeping ticking
Whilst she slept…

And she hoped, when the time came
She would feel fixed and ready
As into her life
She tentatively stepped.

Posted in Anxiety, depression, Friendship, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Relationships | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Thoughts on Trauma – a sonnet

Would I undo the things that you have done,
And if I did would that mean I had won?
I am not sure, though now I feel such pain,
I can see brighter days beyond this strain.

Those brighter days would not transmit such glow,
If lived by someone who had never known
What darkness is, what it is to feel pain.
And so I’ll focus forwards, trudge through rain.

And one day, we will meet in my mind’s eye;
And I will bid the longest of goodbyes
Because for all the pain that you have brought
You’ll help me find the me within I’ve sought.

Your memory, for now brings harm and hurt
But I will walk on stronger; lessons learnt.

Posted in Abuse, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Recovery, therapy, Trauma / PTSD | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

On Rape – a sonnet to myself

If I could travel back now, to that day
Your childhood pure was ripped from ‘tween your thighs
I’d take your hand, and this is what I’d say:
“It’s not your fault; there is no reason why.”

I’d hold you whilst you cried, I’d mop your tears,
I’d clean the superficial wounds he left,
The other wounds were deeper, lasting years;
The pain of childhood too soon deftly cleft.

Whilst you cry out ashamed, ‘I should have fought’
I’d whisper shame is not for you to own,
The shame lives with another, with no thought
Of how they’d grow, these wicked seeds he’d sown.

It is not you, but he, who should feel guilt;
It is not your, but his, wings that should wilt.

Posted in Abuse, Mental Health, Relationships, therapy, Trauma / PTSD | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

Crescent Smile

[in memory of Grandpa, one year on]

The crescent moon smiles down at me,
Although my day was sad,
A year since my Grandpa passed,
A year less good than bad.

I hide away in bed afraid
Seek refuge in deep sleep;
But realise, as time wears on,
That it’s okay to weep.

To feel sad is human,
That is all,
And that’s okay;
And so I slowly find my feet
On this uneven day.

The day draws to a close, grows dark,
My heart, at last feels light,
As memories of the man I loved,
Make darkness feel more bright.

I step outside,
I see the moon,
A crooked crescent smile;
Helping, holding, lending hope
On this day, one of trials. 

Posted in Daily Life, Death, Emotions, Family, Life Lessons, Love | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments